I have this odd feeling in my gut as if something wrong is happening right now, or as if I'm being cheated out of something extremely important towards myself and other people. Not entirely sure what... I usually am not home on Saturday nights, it seems. Seems. In the reality of it all, I am home on most Saturday nights. But, at this moment, my brain is telling me No, Diana, you're supposed to be somewhere tonight. Go out. Do something. Live. And the strange thing is, my head is telling me to do this -- but my body is heavily comfortable in the PJs that I'm aquiring right now. Call it a mixed feeling, if you may.
In the past 24 hours, I learned how to use a lighter. It seems a bit strange to sound like that, but it's the truth. All of my life, I have used the long-rod lighters that are used for grills... never have I used the kind where you rub your thumb over the wheel-like thing and push down on something. It's always been something different, until now. I guess it just gave me a sense of power when I flicked the lighter on. As if I was no longer afraid of being hurt. Physically, that is. Mentally, I'm still flammable.
My sincere apologies for the past few days... Blogger has been having problems, and the problems were made extremely worse due to the fact that my ISP does not enjoy Blogger. (Note: The problem with Blogger was that there are now hundreds and hundreds of blogs, and lots of power has been used to accomplish the flow of this. So, money was needed to help the fund. Unfortunately, I am broke. And, unfortunately, I could not find a way to send money if I even had it because PayPal hates me. I know it sounds stupid to say this because I didn't help with the fund, but I think Blogger is worth quite a bit of money... and yes, I will pay it back to them one day.)
So, here I sit. I tried working on alternative projects for the past few days, including the idea of getting a place at a journalistic Blogger-esque place called Organizine (started by Adam; link stolen from Firda), but my laptop would not let me make a design and Tripod decided to be evil about its .JPGs and .GIFs. Totally not my fault, I assure you. I haven't even bothered to try to update this thing until today. I know you missed me.
So, what has lil miss Diana been up to in the past few days? I finished a roll of film that I got from Santa. The film will be sent off to Wal*Mart today or tomorrow (most likely tomorrow) and I shall post the better photos on here. (I would post a lot more if some of them weren't just for FOJM.) Maybe you'll be interested in those, too. I'll chose ten that are superb and two that are okay. That way, more than half of my freaky looking face will be saved. It's been a long week.
I was incorrect with my assumptions of "no homework" that I made earlier today. In fact, I have a ten-page report on evolution that's due in March. Which, to be honest, is a topic that I am clearly clueless about. Isn't that sad that I know very little more besides what the big bang was supposedly about or how the Bible says that we all originated from Adam and Eve or whatnot. So I guess I have to do bit of research on the topic of evolution and, by March, I shall be able to choose the theory that I believe is the most realistic and do a ten-page report on it. How fun can this get?
Well, we go back to school today. Whoop-de-doo. I have the same schedule as last semester, so it's not a total difference in the school life. For the first two days that we're back, I predict, that there will practically be no homework in any of my classes except for the obligatory parent-paper-signings.
In completely other news, the lush Mr Maximo has a pretty nifty new design. Go and applaud him.
I know that I usually don't tend to reflect that much on past events, but the year 2000 has meant so much to me that I felt that it was appropriate to reflect back upon it all. I know everyone has read all of these other entries about this kind of stuff, but I just wanted to express my point of view of the previous year. This past year can be described in one entry, written on May 28, 2000:
She [Meredith] and Patsy spent the night. Around 10:00 last night, we all laid on my back deck on a big wooden table and stared at the Big Dipper above us. We talked about things until my dad escorted us inside since we "disturbed" him. Yeh. I'm sure. It was just so weird, because we had been arguing a lot at the end of the year -- or just not getting along, I don't know which. But it seemed to all fit together last night, under the stars, staring at the Big Dipper...
Happy new year.
I'm feeling better than I was feeling earlier. Our entire family went to the mall and I bought a lovely little Nine West digital watch that can (amazingly) go 100 ft underwater. Which is a rah-rah on my part.
And how will I spend new years? I will be taking a nap shortly (probably from 7 - 9, if things go my way) and then I'll be hanging around the house or wandering the streets. I don't know what tricks my parents have up their sleeves for this evening. But I'm just up for minimalized things at the moment. No biggie, no worries.
Oh, before I go for now (I'll probably give you the complete downlow of my evening in the AM), I want to openly share one of my resolutions: I want everything to be happier. How hard is that to accomplish?
Yes, it's true. (via metafilter.com)
There is nothing much to say these days. I'm not entirely awake and I'm not entirely asleep. I've cried so many times in the past day for the wrong reasons. I've done so many bad things over the past year that it's difficult for me to go through and recount every single thing. I've treated people wrong (you know who you are) and people have treated me wrong (you know who you are).
Last year, actress Drew Barrymore took her friends to an island. At midnight, they wrote down their resolutions, burned them, and buried them in the sand. This year, I shall do the same. Except mine will be without friends and it will be in a grubby backyard -- not a deserted beach.
I'm going to the mall today, too. My watch has died on me and shall be retired after only a week of service. So my mother and I are going shopping on new year's eve so I can find a watch and stop crying. It's getting painful. I haven't spoken to Him in days -- where has He gone? Do I not matter to Him anymore? It doesn't matter anymore to me. I had the chance to do so much this year, but I've held myself back for god-knows-what reason. I'll find out why later on in life. Right now, all I care about is how I'm breathing and trying to keep calm with my life. It's more difficult than anyone thinks.