"Fred" sent "Judy" six flowers for the six months together. "Judy" mentioned this to Him, a friend, and I in a chatroom, and now there's this wave of hatred towards each other about it all. I hate when we all argue and I hate when I compare "Fred" and "Judy" to Him and I. But if you saw how "Fred" and "Judy" are towards one another, you'd think that Him and I were trashy compared to their love. It just sucks to be me. And I wish that He would call me back, tell me He loves me whether or not he can display it in flowers, and that everything was better.
There is a zero percent chance of this happening.
I feel so torn right now. I know you're tired of hearing what I think, but just kind of go with this for a few minutes because, well, it's just bothering me.
Tonight was "the party". No dancing, rock and roll (unless you count Queen as rock and roll), or anything besides improv, a stingy birthday gal, and a short-lived game of truth-or-dare. The improv was okay, but I sucked at it when I finally went up there (one time, just to save Him from embarrassment), and the truth-or-dare wasn't good because the birthday gal kind of got tee-d off when we tried to call people randomly. I suggested we call Ex, but no one really wanted to do the honors.
I just kind of wish things (in general) were better, and that this schoolyear didn't turn out to be a long winding road through depression like last year. I know I'm not a good example of this all, but I still think that things will be better. Everyone will win this one out, but we all got to stick together. Patsy, She, and I made a pact in the beginning of the year that we wouldn't hide things. On my part, I have failed. I don't know whether or not Patsy or She has because, well, they're not me. And I'm not them. So I don't know how they feel, or how I feel half the time. But, I guess, we just got to work through this, or we'll all... die. And then we'll each get torn apart.
Jesus. I need sleep. But before I do go to bed, I just want to say that I love Patsy and Her very much. I've been friends with them for a few years now, and I think that things with us have been rocky, but I'm trying to work on that. I'm trying to balance Her and Patsy and Him into my schedule. I'm trying. They're trying too, all of them. Maybe one day, everything'll be good.
We passed a church on the way home from school: "Need a friend? Try Jesus."
Whenever I needed Jesus or God or any immortal religious figure, they never pleaded to show up in any form. When I was starving myself, I prayed that everything would be better, that I wouldn't give myself pain. Alas, it got worse and worse the more I prayed. Whether or not it was a coincidental thing or not, it didn't matter. Jesus/God/etc never was there when I needed them.
I have had a long day, and tonight will be a struggle. My father (who says I need iron for my "sleepiness", which I used a a faithful excuse for my miserable life) doesn't know about the party yet, and I'm broke. She wants me to go so that She doesn't have to be the only one that has to put up with her. I forced Him to participate. I myself might not go, but what if I was in her shoes? It's her sixteenth birthday party. Sweet sixteen. It only happens once, and it's those moments in life where everything seems together, and then you find yourself driving around and thinking about college. If I never showed up, what kind of person would I be?
My schedule at school is changed. I cannot stand my new schedule, and now my English teacher thinks I'm a miserable person because I don't smile in his class anymore. On the bus, it's worse. People go around saying things, "Oh, she said she was tired." Couldn't they have just asked me themselves? I can speak, and no one wants to hear what I say. Nobody seems to ask much from me anymore. I could've sat through the entire day with slits in my wrists and perhaps no one would speak a word to me, but rather say, "Oh, what's wrong with her? She looks so... ugh." I swear.
So, yeah. Tonight is the night of a birthday party. An "improv" thing, where everyone giggles at each others' stupid jokes and we all are forced to sing "Happy Birthday" with our teeth clenched together.
I need flowers. Flowers cheer me up. I'm so miserable.
I was really tired, I guess. I appologize for not blogging at 1 AM. It will happen tonight. Yeah. Maybe a 24 hour thing, if you're lucky.
There is nothing more refreshing that dancing in the rain. Which, of course, was my cure for what has all happened today. Stressful, yes, but something I could easily overcome if I just set my mind to it all. And that came to me as I raised my arms in the air as the hard, pounding rain hit me from my left side, dripping down my body. I think I did a cartwheel midway through my little chimpanzee act. I laid out in the grass, hid under the lack of a roof over the garage, shivered when the wind blew in my face, and waved to every passing car.
What caused my day to be so bad, you ask? Lots of things, dearie. Lots and lots of things. The fact that the office (ie, principal number four) decided to fuck up my schedule, that He is the most miserable person of the moment right now, and that my younger brother and I got into a fight over a television, which is a fairly pathetic thing to argue over, anyway. The chills of a birthday party are coming up, and I personally have no money (my mother has yet to pay me back), no card, no abilities, and maybe even something that actually has to be done tomorrow night, anyway. Right now, I can care less if I go or not. I just don't want it to be a pressure in my life.
As for my schedule... it's not too badly messed up. My fifth period class (English) got switched to seventh period, and my seventh period class (French) got switched to fourth period, and my fourth period class (History) got switched to fifth period, which makes it easier for the teachers' part. As for the classes... well, my French teacher isn't as giggly as she was in 7th period, and my English teacher has already begun to hate our class of misfits and leftovers. (Each classroom is supposed to have 21 - and only 21 - students in it. Of course they rid of me, but oh well. Whatever.)
There were also school photos today, which will go in the yearbook, used for school events, and are used for our newly-thought-of ID badges, which are pointless anyway. This girl I hung around in line with made me crack up, so it looks (I suppose) as if I'm about to devour the photographer whole.
I want to blog all night, but I know I can't because I was even tired this morning from going to bed at 10:30. So I might just jam out to the sounds of Eve 6 (brought to you temporarily by Patsy) and post something stupid at 1 AM about some site on some topic that I won't really know anything about.
Speaking of, some girl (who has, ironically, shown up as a "new classmate" in a few of my classes) got me thinking about the Holocaust. Expect some form of rant on the topic during the night, maybe.
So tired. And I find myself redesigning someone's page this early in the morning. I have no life.
Oh, God, I am so tired right now but I must stay awake and do a few things online and offline. Like clean my room, and actually do some projects that are due tomorrow. I'm so behind, and I will regret being that way in the far future. Really. It's a repeat of what happened last year, and I will regret it a lot. Yeah.
Besides that, I've been doing nothing. Him and I have been throwing around a few ideas as for what should be done about the birthday party that I was invited to. Turns out, according to Him, that I'm going upstate for the day, and it just so happens to be the day of the party. Oh, bummer, so sad. I know she's going to be pissed about that, because she's always (sadly enough) pissed if she doesn't get her way. It's the ways of life, honey.
It also stopped raining here today, too. And I actually bought a lunch from the school today because I was, well, really hungry. It was a slice of Papa John's pizza, with pepperoni. I hate pepperoni. I ate it anyway. I ended up with red tomato sauce on my cheek and a grin on my face.
My life has been really boring lately. All this talk about sex has wafted around the bus lately -- "ooh, it was a fun weekend", "no, I never had sex with a girl... technically" (If you know me personally, then the second one isn't too difficult.), etc, etc, etc -- and, well, it's just rather boring. And deer-hunting season starts soon, which means that schools in Pennsylvania get a day off for the first day of it, which really sucks. I hate hunting. I won't rant about hunting tonight, but expect something in the morning, ok? Don't get too excited.
Sigh. Goodnight, world. (I expect a "goodnight" back from everyone on the world wide web. Yeah.)
I am so tired right now. The storm continued to focus it's ugly face at my window, illuminating my bedroom three or four times in fifteen minutes' time. It was a scary image of fear as I sat in the corner of my bed, far from the window, a blanket around me and a pillow behind my head. I eventually crawled back into my sleeping position, rested a pillow over and under my head, faced away from the window, and slept to the disturbing sounds of Sting on the radio.
I need coffee.
It's storming outside. Really hard, too.
I hate lighning.
You want skimpy shorts? You got skimpy shorts. Perverts.
I am now blogging from my laptop. Oh, this is a joyous moment. (Considering that the first website that I went to was Blogger.) It's all weird to be on this thing, especially since it seems incredibly lonely without AOL IM nearby.
My day at school was pretty good. Patsy and I pretended we had British accents, and the word "galvanize" was used quite a bit during the day. ("Ooh, Diana is galvanized over Mo...") We all lived through math class with barely any troubles, and the ride home was incredible for me. Before my bus left, Him and I caught eyes and just sat there and watched each other for a second before we pulled away. Then I had a talk on this girl on my bus about her boyfriend, and about her weekend. It's the same kind of enviroment on my bus as it was last year: you sit there and cry on someone's shoulder, and you have everyone's loving attention. A perfect way to describe that bus is probably the word "aromatherapy". It just sets the whole mood, and by the time you get off the bus, you feel refreshed. But maybe it's all in my head. Doesn't matter, anyway.
Oh, yeah, and my younger brother is in love with photography right now. How fun for him, you know? They have photography at my school, but it qualifies under "visual arts". (ie, you have to be able to draw in order to be able to photograph.) I might take it as an elective in my senior year, if I get science out of the way. Something tells me that I'll be able to, too. I think I only have to take three science classes. I'm already disqualified for the state-wide HOPE scholarship due to my bad grades last year. (The HOPE scholarship is a scholarship given to kids by the Georgia Lottery for grades that have all been over 90. I think.) I might not go to college. I want to go to SCAD or Clemson. I've always wanted to go to Clemson or somewhere far away where I can do sick and disgusting things (or, at least, "experiment") and not be an arm's legnth from my parents. However, my aunt lives in Clemson, so it might not be too good of an idea.
I'll write more later.
The lightning has been going off and on a lot lately. Every now and then, there'd be this bright flash of light that'd lighten up the entire room and, thus, scare the little girl with the towel on her head whom resides in the corner. I don't know if it is raining outside. I haven't heard any yet, but it could just be drizzling -- not enough for the sound to be picked up by the skylight's plastic lid. But, you know, whatever. My classes are on the second floor, and I'm terrified of lighning, so during 1st and 2nd period I'm going to find myself grabbing hold of Patsy's arm whenever something outside happens.
Oh, and by the way, I'm supposedly a dreamer, which means, and I quote, "Like just 10% of the population you are a HEALER (SECF)-- caring, good with people, and patient. You are completely selfless and full of love. As a concrete feeler, you do well with your emotions, which are very strong. You understand and appreciate *why* you feel the way you do, and for the most part you're at peace with yourself." Yeah, I'm sure that's what I am... at peace with myself... (Yes, I'm refraining from laughing at this one.)
So, yeah. As you've read from my previous entry, Ex doesn't want people to know his website address, and that I needed to ask permission to do this. At first, he "frankly" didn't care, but then later (and I didn't put this one on here, for God-knows-what reasons) he started attacking me. He didn't believe that the link was gone, so I sent him a screenshot to prove it to him. After he had examined it for 100 times over, it was decided that Ex was proven wrong and probably felt... well, stupid. So after he got offline, I wrote up the entry below, and thus... entertainment for your mouth. Oh, yeah, and before I change this (boring) topic, there was this time during my conversation with him that he said "i dont expect to talk with you again after this unless of an emergency. besides, we had an agreement months ago not to converse with each other." After we ended our talk (with him continuously saying his goodbye's to me), I was holding back so hard from saying "I have an itch. I thought it was important to tell you."
Oh yeah, and he thought the thing at the top was my signature.
I haven't done any of the homework yet, and I don't even think I have to. I don't have 4th (World History) or 7th (French) today, which is a very good thing. But I do, however, have Algebra. Algebra hates me. It always has hated me, because I've always hated it. It's like a dry piece of flesh on a newborn baby's body. A fault, I guess, in the system. I should've gotten a better teacher, at least. This one just kind of rambles on about bank accounts and personal credit card problems. At least my English teacher is nice.
It's going to be a long day.
On AOL chat:
Ex: what is it
Patsy: Jesus, calm down. I'm not gonna kill you or anything.
Patsy: It's about yer site.
Patsy: I know, you have a whole lot of visitors.
Patsy: A suspicious amount, in fact.
Patsy: You can jump in anytime with a "huh?" or an "yeah?"
Ex: its not worth it
Patsy: And I just wanted to tell you why you've been getting all the hits.
Ex: frankly i dont care
Patsy: Diana has been linking yer site to hers
Ex: she needed to ask my permission to do that
Patsy: So, all the peeps that visit her site are getting a little taste of you.
Patsy: Don't you love it?
Ex: why do you talk to me anyway?
Patsy: I wanted you to know.
Ex: well that is between me and her
Patsy: No. You wouldn't reply to her talking to you. So, we decided that I should tell you.
Patsy: Woh, woh, woh Mr. Negativity.
Ex: well from now on i wont be replying to you either
Patsy: Suit yerself, twatboy.
Patsy: Have a lovely evening.
Ex: you go nowhere with that
Humor me for awhile... (Eve 6)
Search engine requests found in my referrals (the prequel): where is justin timberlake ticklish, www.joecartoons.com, webcameras, downloading prodigy songs, angelina jolie "nose job", chinese firedrill lyrics, glamerous girl, and lyrics to papa roach: last resort.
There are two things, as Patsy and I have found, that are always featured in Tim Burton films: black and white stripes (ie, Beetlejuice's outfit in Beetlejuice, lots of the outfits in Batman Returns, and, of course, a lot of stuff in The Nightmare Before Christmas), and some significance to the hands (the marks on Johnny Depp's hands in Sleepy Hollow, Michael J. Fox's remains of only a hand in Mars Attacks!, and Danny DeVito's findings in the sewer in Batman Returns). There are also repeated cameos/castings in the movies: Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow, Ed Wood), Paul Reubens (PeeWee's Big Adventure, Batman Returns, The Nightmare Before Christmas), and Michael Keaton (Batman, Batman Returns, Beetlejuice). There are a few others (ie, Sarah Jessica Parker), but none really worth mentioning other than those above.
So, the evening was good. We went over to Her house this afternoon and watched a few episodes of "XFiles" before I came home now and... well, rest where I currently am. And now I'm looking for some interesting wallpaper for the laptop because I'm bothered by the boring teal color. I'm hoping to use something with New York City or clouds, or something 3D that doesn't have lots of colors. (The colors on the computer are really bad.)
An aquaintence of mine (who will currently have no name) is having a birthday party next weeking, which she calls "A Night at the Improv", which doesn't seem like that good of an idea for me. For one, the people she hangs around with (ie, Patsy, Him, Her, and myself) aren't very open with their emotions and, to be honest, cannot be humorous on a whim. Plus, we all have this crazy shy side to us... and I just can't do something like go up there and act out a scene with strangers watching me and having me mess up... or just not be funny. So I might not go. I might convince Her that there just has to be an "XFiles" get together on Friday.
Patsy's about to come over, and I'm sort of excited for our evening. Five movies, possibly six, to watch. Sleepy Hollow, Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, Mars Attacks!, and Batman Returns... all excellent films by one remarkable genius. Patsy couldn't find Frankenweenie, which is a shame, but still... oh well.
He visited me earlier today, and we went through the woods in my backyard. (Yes, it was one of my things to do during the summer... yes, it is still summer. No, the search engine doesn't work right now... but here's a link for now.) I have off tomorrow (yeah!) and I'm planning on staying up half the night and waking up sometime past 7:00.
I have to clean my room today, take back Man on the Moon (I actually cried this time while watching it), rent a few movies for the Burton-o-thon tonight, eat breakfast, track down an earlier version of Internet Explorer, name my laptop, and actually, you know, ask if I can have company spend the night. Whew, it's an exciting life, isn't it?
Right now, I'm boggling over the next design. No, it's not going to come for awhile. I need to tweak at it for a bit, add a bit of color, sprinkle some actual hand-done HTML in there. (Yes, I know HTML. No, I cheat and use FrontPage for my design. Yes, I should be shot for that reason.) It's going to have mannequins in it. I've had mannequins in a design of mine that was existing in the very beginning, when the only people that saw this page were Her and Patsy, and perhaps a rare visit from some person searching for "nipple" on Google or something. Anyway, the next design (for now) shall include lots of tweaked mannequins, some wacked out fonts, and perhaps lots of transparent GIFs. They're my current obsession. Yeah, yeah, they all turn out sort of bad, but still... I don't know. I like GIFs.
By the way, I haven't driven for a long time. My parents are too concerned with the other three cars that my little Chevette isn't getting noticed. Not that I care or anything. Our driveway looks like a used car lot. There's the Nissan (my older brother's) in the driveway, underneath the basketball hoop; the Chevette under a shady tree alongside the house; the station wagon behind the Chevette, and my mother's New Yorker in the garage. They got new tires for the Nissan yesterday, and the New Yorker will either be fixed, or (so my mother thinks) traded in for a Tracker. A Tracker that she can't drive, anyway, because it's standard, and not automatic. Either they trade in the New Yorker, or they get a front-end alignment on it. And let's see... the station wagon is messed up as far as it can be (steering wheel sticks, air conditioning broken, sticky feeling on the seats, etc, etc, etc), and my car just needs a battery... a simple, $50 battery. Anything.
I live in such a boring town.